At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
