eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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