i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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