so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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