No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
