I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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