oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
