I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
