Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize