So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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