Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
