We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
