A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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