Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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