Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
