Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Someone came in the potted fern
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
