smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize