planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
