Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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