i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
