I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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