I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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