you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize