remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize