I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
