I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
and she was petting her beer can
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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