if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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