why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i will never coherently bang her
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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