2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
