A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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