I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
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