My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize