she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
