im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
