just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
