Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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