Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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