I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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