wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
