he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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