I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
