I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
