I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
