my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
