420 ftw
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I need a burrito and a hug.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
