My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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