how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize