Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize