she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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