I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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