I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
