if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I want to make a zoo with you.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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