I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
