sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
