Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
