Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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