I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
