Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize